11 Aug 150 Posts Later: A Farewell Blogstorm
You know, I’ve been thinking…
Over seven years and a hundred-some posts, a good blogger can cover a deep and diverse catalogue of topical issues in information technology and marketing communications.
Instead, I’ve mainly just recycled the same Microsoft Bob jokes, over and over, with slightly different intros. It was a choice, and I stand by it.
But it does leave me with a fair number of topics left uncovered — some of which I’d even earmarked for upcoming posts. So, as a means of cleaning out the old notebook, here’s everything left in the chamber:
Chris Cillizza Proves PR and Reddit Don’t Mix
Sure, everyone hates CNN’s Chris Cillizza. But everyone loves transparency, right? Right?
In case you missed it, Cillizza’s recent Reddit AMA was a tragicomic debacle of epic proportions. Here are some of my favorite questions from the sesh:
Perhaps Wired‘s Ashley Feinberg put it best:
The Key to My Sparkling Personality
Look, since literally NO ONE consumes more cans of La Croix than I do on a daily basis, I’ve felt for a long time that it’s my solemn duty to rank all the flavors for you from best to worst.
Now I know you’ll have some questions about this: Are my rankings definitive? (They are.) Will I be ranking ALL the flavors, or just the ones I’ve tried? (Just the ones I’ve tried, natch.) Was Jess really planning to accept this as a legitimate blog entry? (The world will never know.)
My Rankings: (Best to Worst)
Apricot — Simply amazeballs. Tastes like you’re standing underneath a tropical waterfall on a hot day whilst angels shower you with pixie dust and midichloreans.
Mango — Not quite the tour de force of apricot, but still delicious enough to cancel out most of the world’s suffering.
Lemon — Crisp, refreshing, and delightful. Makes La Croix Lime taste like a bag of puke.
Lime — It’s still pretty good, though. Just don’t have the Lemon first.
Cran-Raspberry — OceanSpray knows what’s up. A tangy-sweet symphony that pairs perfectly with fish, tacos, fish tacos, left-over Halloween candy, and possibly even a human foot.
Pamplemousse — With a name this pretentious, you know it’s got to be good — and it is.
Cherry Lime — This one’s from the weird “Curaté” line (thinner cans, fewer per case). The cherry’s a bit too powerful for me. But it’s my wife’s #1 flavor. Then again, she also likes soy milk.
Berry — La Croix didn’t bother to specify a berry, so I don’t see why I have to specify a reason.
Orange — Genuinely disappointing for someone who likes most Orange-flavored treats. Would drink in a zombie apocalypse, but wouldn’t hoard.
Peach Pear — Only Nesbitt could love a flavor this lackluster.
Coconut — Not even Nez would touch this. It’s like the Microsoft Bob of La Croix flavors.
Is Elon Musk from the Future? And Did He Get Here Via Hyperloop?
Here’s a tweet that’s been getting some attention recently:
First, what the heck is “verbal government approval”? Does it really work that way now? Like, three beers in, if Rick Perry tells me he’s in favor of my plan to privatize nuclear testing, is that legally binding? Asking for a friend on this. (It’s Kim Jong-un.)
Also, do we really need to stop in Baltimore? Because 29 minutes from New York to DC sounds great, as long as none of those minutes involve getting stabbed on the Baltimore exit platform when the doors open for just that split second. Asking for a friend on this. (It’s Katie Hanusik.)
Every Picture Tells a Story, Don’t It?
So being an agency “creative” often means hunting through thousands of terrible stock images — and some of these can be truly disturbing. Here to document the phenomenon is Twitter handle @darkstockphotos. And these are just a few of its best finds:
And of course, the classic Santa nipple pinch:
Oh, plus one more, for old time’s sake (since it’s my last-ever opportunity to use it) — in honor of @StephStad and @Kkaplan7)
Some Final Remarks
All right, this train is almost out of track. Let me just quickly splice in a few individual tributes:
Elizabeth Shea (pronounced Shee-uh): you are a BOSS. I mean, yes, literally, you are my boss. But you’re also friggin’ FIERCE and like… legitimately tech royalty! Do people know you WROTE THE USER MANUAL FOR STEVE JOBS’ NeXTSTEP OPERATING SYSTEM? How freaking baller is that!?
Lisa “School of Throck” Morton: you’re a force of nature. Super smart, savvy, and always kicking major butt. Together with Elizabeth, you two have been the best, most caring bosses I’ve ever had the pleasure of working under. Seriously, if you blog readers out there don’t have Elizabeth and Lisa for bosses, you’re doing it wrong.
Cris E. “Uppers Only” Upston: you’re a huge part of what makes SBX such a special place — a critical asset, a passionate advocate, and a great friend. And though it defies the odds that I drew you seven consecutive years for Elfster, I regret nothing!
K.T. “Hands-On” Hanusik: you’re a true leader, Katie. You work as hard or harder than anyone on staff, and you set the tone for all of us. You’re also a really lovely person and a great den mother — shucks I’m just gonna ask — will you go to prom with me?
Jennifer “Take It to the Edge” Edgerly: what can I say man, you’re a baller. And you were unquestionably the best part about my divorce… I’m just going to leave that intentionally vague and suggestive for the lulz.
Nezboat: dude you know how it is, so let me just say in the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln: “step by step, day by day, a fresh start over, a different hand to play, the deeper we fall, the louder we say: I hope you don’t have Type II Diabetes.” Seriously, Lincoln said that… about Nez.
Jess “I Drink Milkshakes While Running Long Distances” Lindberg: thank you for all your help on the creative side, Jess. You’ve been a star in your role and made me better in mine. Jennifer Aniston wishes she had your style!
Pete “Five Alarm” Larmey: I think you get more done between 6AM and 8AM than most of us do in a week, and you even managed to fit in a 90-minute workout somehow within that two-hour block. The friggin’ David Blaine of PR and editorial content, this guy. And you’re gonna make a helluva foster dad!
Laura “Chuck” Norris “Elliott” (pronounced La-er-eh-ah): though I haven’t seen you in many years, I’ve heard tales from distant travelers that you’re alive and well, and that makes me smile. 🙂
Casey Del’Iso’De’La’Soul: people here call you “double meat.” Well, in my book, friend, you will always have the value of two and half or possibly even three meats! Guac is extra.
Allison Internowitz: just because I can’t remember the names of any of our past interns doesn’t mean I don’t respect the hell out of what you do for us, Amy!
Tom Brady: you are the best quarterback any creative content director could ask for. I don’t care if your diet, exercise and off-field antics are fast approaching Tom Cruise levels of strangeness. You brought me five super bowls and a perfect season in ’17/18… (stay tuned).
Eric: I know we haven’t had much chance to talk since you’ve started. How’s it going at SpeakerBox? Are things going well? Got a good feeling about this one, gang.
But most of all…
I just want to say how fortunate I am to have worked in a warm and wonderful office, with delightful and talented colleagues, for the better part of an entire decade, without ever once having to learn how to use the phone system.